Goodbye Love

June 6, 2009

Last night, there was no sleeping.  There were no dry eyes in our little closet of a room.  But we were all together and as close to Airica as we could be.  Janelle, Eric's fiancé would be there anytime.  The flights for Eric and Alyssa were cancelled.  Our lives were once again in turmoil.  


We waited as the tests were run.  It seemed as if we waited forever.  The first time a doctor came in to talk to us, they told us that Airica had suffered a lot of brain damage.  If she were to survive, she would not be the same Airica that we knew before.  Then they asked if we would like to proceed with the tests.  We all agreed, they should proceed.


Finally, a doctor came into our little room and told us that Airica was considered brain dead.  She had a bad reaction to a chemo drug, had many seizures, and fell into septic shock.  The functions of her body were dependent on the machines.  They would have to remove the machines, so we should say our goodbyes.  


By far the most heart wrenching moment of my life.  I didn't want to believe it.  She was so strong, she was my little fighter, how could this be true?  At this very second my world is shattered, into so many pieces, that I would never, in a million lifetimes, be able to put them back together.


I had to tell Alyssa, those pieces were now shattered into a million more pieces.  How could we survive this?  We all had a chance to go in and say our goodbyes to this beautiful little girl that we all loved so dearly.  Hearing my 10 year old Alyssa talk to her sister in that bed, saying her goodbyes, broke what little piece of my heart that I was trying to hold on to. Then it was my turn.  What could I say?  Did I tell her enough that I love her?  Did she know what she meant to me?  Could she know how much you love your child from the moment you know there is life in your belly?


They took Alyssa to a room with cookies and drinks. Eric and I, along with Christopher and Janelle had to say our final goodbyes.  I held my Airica in my arms, wrapped her up in a warm blanket, as my little pillow was tucked under her arm.  The rest stood by our side.  It took me back to when she was born and I was there for her very first breath. 


The monitors were now off, and the room was so quiet, except for our quiet sobs. I held my baby, my love, as they turned the machines off and she took her last breath.


Airica kept her promise, she fought as hard as she could.  I kept mine, I didn't leave her side and spent every night with her.  We did leave the hospital together, we just went in different directions for now.


Goodbye love, goodbye love, goodbye love goodbye...