I (heart) Warm Blankets

June 5, 2009 

(Airica with fake glasses and a warm blanket)

(Airica with a Jack hat on and a warm blanket)

(Airica with her singing flower and a warm blanket)

Warm blankets, straight from the blanket warmer.  This was Airica's favorite.  She used up so many blankets.  Because once it cooled off it was no longer useful.  Anytime Airica needed comfort, warmth, or to lift her spirit she would ask for a warm blanket.  They did feel good, I had a few wrapped around me at times.

Airica did not feel good at all today.  She had thrown up a little and had a headache.  It seemed as though those chemo side effects were catching up why her strong little spirit.  So she was not happy that I had to leave her and go pick up Alyssa from school.  I wanted to stay with her, but Alyssa needed me too.  I had to make the decision to go.  Alyssa was leaving the next morning for 2-3 months, and I had to be a mom to her too.  Christopher and I would go for a couple of hours and her other Daddy would stay with her.

I know she didn't feel good, but she was putting on the sad, pouty face.  She smiles a lot but she has a sad face that is just as potent!  I kissed her, told her that I loved her and I would be back as soon as possible.  

I picked up Alyssa from her classroom on the last day of 5th grade and stopped to thank her teacher for all she had done for her.  My phone was ringing and ringing.  I ignored the calls so that I could finish my conversation with Alyssa's teacher.  When we left I listened to the voicemail.  There was a couple from Airica crying for me to come back because she felt so bad and her head was throbbing.  Then there was one from Eric who told me to hurry because she needed me.

Christopher headed back to the hospital as fast as we could.  We finally got there and Airica was so glad to see me.  She had been throwing up all day, and her head was hurting.  She wanted her head to be rubbed but she told Eric that only mommy knew how to do it right.  I began to rub her head and she closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep.  Eric said he rubbed it that same way, and I'm sure he did, she just wanted mommy.  They had given her some Tylenol to try and relieve her headache.  That's all they could give her because of the chemo.

Airica now was resting, Alyssa had fell asleep on the chair Christopher sleeps on, and Christopher and Eric had went to the store to get some snacks.  I sat there and watched my babies sleep.  It was not like it was at home, but it was nice.  I was thinking how much I'm going to miss them together when Alyssa left.  I just enjoyed that moment while they slept so beautifully.  

Some time had passed and the guys texted me they were on their way back.  Airica's monitor started to beep.  Her heart rate was increasing.  I paged the nurse.  The nurse came in and paged the doctor.  They checked her temperature and she had a fever.  The doctor got there and Airica couldn't talk.  They paged for an emergency x-ray to check her lungs for infection.  As they x-ray tech came in he remembered Airica and her beautiful smile.  She flashed him one even though she felt so bad.  

Her lungs were fine.  The guys came back in the middle of all of this.  Airica's heart rate was still increasing, fever was getting higher.  The doctor was talking to Airica and she looked the other way.  I talked to her and asked to look at mommy.  She looked left towards me for a moment.  Then her eyes shifted to the upper right and she began to have a seizure.  I had never seen a seizure in my life, and it was horrible.  I didn't know what to do.  Alyssa was right there too, watching.  

Before we knew it doctors rushed in with medicine to stop the seizure, ice bags to reduce her fever, and Patricia came in and got Alyssa.  I grabbed Airica's doctor, Dr. Jenn, and frantically told her, "Don't let my baby die!"  They rolled Airica and her whole bed down the long halls to a CAT scan.  I held her hand the whole time.  She was mumbling, ma ma ma ma, I don't know if she was calling for me or it was an effect of the seizure.  I kept telling her, "Mommy is here.  I love you so much."

After the scan, back up to the PICU.  More doctors rushed in, many familiar faces.  It was almost like deja vu.  Christopher, Eric, and I stood outside the room and watched as they tried to help Airica.  Monitors were beeping people were in an out.  Then, came the medicine to sedate her.  A few minutes later in came and RT, she had to be re-intubated.  As I watched, I knew how hard it was for that strong girl to fight her way off of all those machines, and how much time it took.  Now, just in an instance, they were back.

What now?  I was so scared again, I felt so helpless, again.  Counting on the doctors, again.  There was a difference in the passion as they worked.  They really, truly, loved Airica.  The social worker took us to the room that was the size of a closet and we waited.  Waited for any news or update.  

All they could tell us tonight was that Airica had some serious seizures, and has some bleeding in her brain.  They have several tests to take to see what the extent of the damage was if any.  They would call in some specialists first thing in the morning and would do all they could for sweet Airica.