Mahalo Love

Hello again!  I know it has been a long time since my last blog.  I thought that I would be able to blog from ATTC but I thought wrong!  It was a wonderful life changing course and I loved it.  But, it was very demanding and intense and left little time for anything else besides yoga studies.  

Now, my family and I are in Hawaii.  I will have plenty of time to blog while we spend the next two months here on the beautiful island of Oahu.  We have been here for one adventurous week now and each day so far has been amazing.  

Mahalo means thank you here in Hawaii.  We hear it all the time at stores and restaurants, it's pretty cool.  Same as we hear it and say it all time on the mainland.  The thing about mahalo or thank you is that sometimes we say it out of habit or the people that we are saying it to deserve a whole lot more than simple words to express that gratitude .

The reason that I have been thinking about this right now is because of the past few months of my life.  Well, actually the past 10 years, but like I said sometimes the words thank you just don't seem like enough.

From previous posts you know a little bit about my husband, best friend, and partner in this life, Christopher.  As I blog or share things about my life I always know that if it were not for him none of these things would even be a possibility.  When we met I was a single parent with two young children.  When we started our relationship one of the first things I told him was that if this were to go any further he would always be second to my children and I would expect him to love them as I did.  He said okay, and he did.

He showed that to me as we went through the fight for Airica's life.  I saw how much he truly loved my children, especially when times were tough.  He held my hand, my heart, and my whole body as I went through the toughest thing that I would have to bear in this life.  He loved me when I felt like I had no love to give, he reminded me that I had a reason to live, he was understanding and patient as I grieved, all the while he was grieving too.

This generous soul loves and cares for me so much that even though I am the recipient, sometimes it seems unbelievable.  He supports me in anything and everything that I do.  When I say support I mean 100% selflessly.  The most recent being my yoga journey.  He sent me to TTC in October 2010.  By sent I mean, he told me to quit my job, paid for the course, and took care of Alyssa while I was gone for the entire month.  Then when I returned insisted that I focused on teaching yoga no matter what that took even if I taught for free.

That is exactly what I did for the year and half between TTC and ATTC.  I didn't teach all my classes for free, but people don't teach yoga to pay the bills :)  That is all that I did, teach yoga and practice yoga.  

June 2012, he sent me to ATTC another month of me being gone.  To deepen my yoga practice, learn more about the yogic path, and my Self.  Each day that I was at ATTC I was grateful to my wonderful husband.  It was because of him that I was there.  How could I possibly ever express to him how grateful I truly am?  Thank you is not enough!

Now, we are in Hawaii.  We are here for two months.  The first two weeks of which he is on vacation.  The longest vacation that he has ever taken without having to work, which he deserves so much because he works so hard to take care of his family.  When those two weeks are over he will work from here as he enjoys knowing that Alyssa and I are having lots of fun during our time here in Hawaii. 

The more that I learned about the teachings of yoga the more I began to understand why he does what he does.  Christopher may not teach asana, he may not know the definition of words in Sanskrit, but he is a yogi.  He is doing what we're all here on this earth to do...he is looking for happiness.

"Forget your selfishness, make others happy, and you will be the happiest person.  By seeing others happy, you cannot be unhappy."

Sri Swami Satchidananda

Mahalo love for being you and sharing your beautiful life with me.

  

OM

My life has brought me here, to the Sivananda Ashram Yoga Farm in Grass Valley, CA once again.  I say my life, I mean my journey in this life, and with a lot of help and support from my amazing husband. (I love you Lovie)  I was here in October 2010 for the Teacher Training Course, and now I have returned for the Advanced Teacher Training Course.

As soon as I arrived I felt at home in this beautiful, spiritual yoga retreat.  By retreat, I mean away from the noise of the world, TV, cars, electronics, not a spa...well maybe a spa for your soul.  So many things seemed as if they were just as I left them, others seemed so different.  

The first time I came to this ashram it was in 2008 with my whole family of 4.  I wanted my girls to see where I would be for the month that I was gone.  I wanted them to feel the feeling that you get when you come here.  We had a great visit and took lots of pictures.

Then I came for TTC.  As you know lots of stuff had happened between 2008 and when I arrived for TCC in October 2010.  I remember coming here wanting to learn yoga, wanting to be a yoga teacher, and at the same time not knowing what to expect.  There were so many things that I didn't understand about the place, about yoga philosophy and traditions, and I felt a bit overwhelmed, but eager to learn.  By the end of TTC I knew a lot more about myself, my spiritual path, and how to properly teach asana (posture).

Now, I am here once again.  I have since realized that I still have so much to learn about yoga, and about myself.  The thing about yoga is that the asana part that is so popular, and such a fad, is one tiny piece of a whole larger picture. In order to even begin that journey, first you have to learn about your Self.

That is a tougher task than you would think.  Not what you look like, not what you think you are, who you think you are, or even what others see you as.  I mean deep down, way inside, truly honestly who you are.  See, I told you is was tougher than you thought ;)

The great thing is that yoga philosophy has a whole bunch of tools, guidelines, and even some tricks to help you get out of your mind, and deeper into your Self.  This is the "practice" of yoga.  Yes, it's still hard but so far, it has been worth every inquiry for me. 

Just an overview of an ordinary day here at ATTC.  We (yup, we, I'm not the only crazy yogi) wake up at 4:30am in preparation for an hour of pranayama/bandhas which are breathing exercises that increase lung capacity, give you prana (energy) and have lots of other positive health benefits.  Then at 6am morning satsung.  This is where we silently meditate for 30 minutes together, sing/chant kirtan (devotional songs) and hear a lecture from our main teacher Swami Sitaramananda to start our day off.  Then 8am asana class for an hour, followed by an hour of advanced yoga anatomy.  By this time it's 10am and time for breakfast.  Delicious, sattvic (pure and healthy for the body) food.  Then 10:45am time for karma yoga for an hour.  This is the yoga of action.  We all are given a job/duty to do to help the ashram maintain it's self sufficiency. At 12pm is either sanskrit writing, reading, and speaking, or Patanjali Maharishi's Raja Yoga Sutras philosophy.  Then after that at 1:30pm we have a free hour.  Usually used to shower, or to study and complete homework that is given in almost every class.  Then 2:30pm is our main lecture with Swami Sita on Vedanta Philosophy.  Raja Yoga Sutras and Vedanta are two separate yogic philosophies, but they compliment each other.  Then at 4pm we have 30 minutes pranayama and then an hour of advanced asana class.  Whew!  I'm getting tired writing this :)  Then at 6pm is dinner, followed by evening satsung at 7:30.  Which is the same as morning except for no lecture usually a special guest or speaker.  Then some warm almond milk with cardamom and off to bed at 9:30pm so we can wake up again at 4:30am.

Today is Monday, a day off...well kind of.  We still have to attend the early morning pranayama/bandhas class, and morning and evening satsungs, and also complete our karma yoga.  Then we are free to catch up on homework, study, or anything else we would like to do.  

It has been one week of this tight schedule, and I am loving every minute.  Being here feels so wonderful, and to deepen my sadhana (spiritual practice) here with the guidance of such great, knowledgeable, loving teachers is amazing.  I just wanted to take a few minute away from studying to share a little but about my first week here.

 Om

Goodbye Love

June 6, 2009

Last night, there was no sleeping.  There were no dry eyes in our little closet of a room.  But we were all together and as close to Airica as we could be.  Janelle, Eric's fiancé would be there anytime.  The flights for Eric and Alyssa were cancelled.  Our lives were once again in turmoil.  


We waited as the tests were run.  It seemed as if we waited forever.  The first time a doctor came in to talk to us, they told us that Airica had suffered a lot of brain damage.  If she were to survive, she would not be the same Airica that we knew before.  Then they asked if we would like to proceed with the tests.  We all agreed, they should proceed.


Finally, a doctor came into our little room and told us that Airica was considered brain dead.  She had a bad reaction to a chemo drug, had many seizures, and fell into septic shock.  The functions of her body were dependent on the machines.  They would have to remove the machines, so we should say our goodbyes.  


By far the most heart wrenching moment of my life.  I didn't want to believe it.  She was so strong, she was my little fighter, how could this be true?  At this very second my world is shattered, into so many pieces, that I would never, in a million lifetimes, be able to put them back together.


I had to tell Alyssa, those pieces were now shattered into a million more pieces.  How could we survive this?  We all had a chance to go in and say our goodbyes to this beautiful little girl that we all loved so dearly.  Hearing my 10 year old Alyssa talk to her sister in that bed, saying her goodbyes, broke what little piece of my heart that I was trying to hold on to. Then it was my turn.  What could I say?  Did I tell her enough that I love her?  Did she know what she meant to me?  Could she know how much you love your child from the moment you know there is life in your belly?


They took Alyssa to a room with cookies and drinks. Eric and I, along with Christopher and Janelle had to say our final goodbyes.  I held my Airica in my arms, wrapped her up in a warm blanket, as my little pillow was tucked under her arm.  The rest stood by our side.  It took me back to when she was born and I was there for her very first breath. 


The monitors were now off, and the room was so quiet, except for our quiet sobs. I held my baby, my love, as they turned the machines off and she took her last breath.


Airica kept her promise, she fought as hard as she could.  I kept mine, I didn't leave her side and spent every night with her.  We did leave the hospital together, we just went in different directions for now.


Goodbye love, goodbye love, goodbye love goodbye...

I (heart) Warm Blankets

June 5, 2009 

(Airica with fake glasses and a warm blanket)

(Airica with a Jack hat on and a warm blanket)

(Airica with her singing flower and a warm blanket)

Warm blankets, straight from the blanket warmer.  This was Airica's favorite.  She used up so many blankets.  Because once it cooled off it was no longer useful.  Anytime Airica needed comfort, warmth, or to lift her spirit she would ask for a warm blanket.  They did feel good, I had a few wrapped around me at times.

Airica did not feel good at all today.  She had thrown up a little and had a headache.  It seemed as though those chemo side effects were catching up why her strong little spirit.  So she was not happy that I had to leave her and go pick up Alyssa from school.  I wanted to stay with her, but Alyssa needed me too.  I had to make the decision to go.  Alyssa was leaving the next morning for 2-3 months, and I had to be a mom to her too.  Christopher and I would go for a couple of hours and her other Daddy would stay with her.

I know she didn't feel good, but she was putting on the sad, pouty face.  She smiles a lot but she has a sad face that is just as potent!  I kissed her, told her that I loved her and I would be back as soon as possible.  

I picked up Alyssa from her classroom on the last day of 5th grade and stopped to thank her teacher for all she had done for her.  My phone was ringing and ringing.  I ignored the calls so that I could finish my conversation with Alyssa's teacher.  When we left I listened to the voicemail.  There was a couple from Airica crying for me to come back because she felt so bad and her head was throbbing.  Then there was one from Eric who told me to hurry because she needed me.

Christopher headed back to the hospital as fast as we could.  We finally got there and Airica was so glad to see me.  She had been throwing up all day, and her head was hurting.  She wanted her head to be rubbed but she told Eric that only mommy knew how to do it right.  I began to rub her head and she closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep.  Eric said he rubbed it that same way, and I'm sure he did, she just wanted mommy.  They had given her some Tylenol to try and relieve her headache.  That's all they could give her because of the chemo.

Airica now was resting, Alyssa had fell asleep on the chair Christopher sleeps on, and Christopher and Eric had went to the store to get some snacks.  I sat there and watched my babies sleep.  It was not like it was at home, but it was nice.  I was thinking how much I'm going to miss them together when Alyssa left.  I just enjoyed that moment while they slept so beautifully.  

Some time had passed and the guys texted me they were on their way back.  Airica's monitor started to beep.  Her heart rate was increasing.  I paged the nurse.  The nurse came in and paged the doctor.  They checked her temperature and she had a fever.  The doctor got there and Airica couldn't talk.  They paged for an emergency x-ray to check her lungs for infection.  As they x-ray tech came in he remembered Airica and her beautiful smile.  She flashed him one even though she felt so bad.  

Her lungs were fine.  The guys came back in the middle of all of this.  Airica's heart rate was still increasing, fever was getting higher.  The doctor was talking to Airica and she looked the other way.  I talked to her and asked to look at mommy.  She looked left towards me for a moment.  Then her eyes shifted to the upper right and she began to have a seizure.  I had never seen a seizure in my life, and it was horrible.  I didn't know what to do.  Alyssa was right there too, watching.  

Before we knew it doctors rushed in with medicine to stop the seizure, ice bags to reduce her fever, and Patricia came in and got Alyssa.  I grabbed Airica's doctor, Dr. Jenn, and frantically told her, "Don't let my baby die!"  They rolled Airica and her whole bed down the long halls to a CAT scan.  I held her hand the whole time.  She was mumbling, ma ma ma ma, I don't know if she was calling for me or it was an effect of the seizure.  I kept telling her, "Mommy is here.  I love you so much."

After the scan, back up to the PICU.  More doctors rushed in, many familiar faces.  It was almost like deja vu.  Christopher, Eric, and I stood outside the room and watched as they tried to help Airica.  Monitors were beeping people were in an out.  Then, came the medicine to sedate her.  A few minutes later in came and RT, she had to be re-intubated.  As I watched, I knew how hard it was for that strong girl to fight her way off of all those machines, and how much time it took.  Now, just in an instance, they were back.

What now?  I was so scared again, I felt so helpless, again.  Counting on the doctors, again.  There was a difference in the passion as they worked.  They really, truly, loved Airica.  The social worker took us to the room that was the size of a closet and we waited.  Waited for any news or update.  

All they could tell us tonight was that Airica had some serious seizures, and has some bleeding in her brain.  They have several tests to take to see what the extent of the damage was if any.  They would call in some specialists first thing in the morning and would do all they could for sweet Airica.

Now She's Just Showing Off

June 4, 2009

The PT exercises worked.  Airica could type, text, and individually hold up each finger, yes she did abuse that test as she held the middle ones up a little too long and laughed.  She was typing, texting and using the mouse.  She was so glad to be able to finally use her gifts.  

She was a little tired today it seemed the chemo was getting to her a little bit.  The doctors kept saying that she was responding very well, we agreed, but it was still hard on her little body.  You can see in the picture below the nurse with the purple gloves preparing one of her chemo drugs.

She decided today was going to be a computer and movie day.  She picked some movies that she would like for us all to watch.  As the nurse finished up the final drug for now, Airica said, "Mommy, these nurses do everything to make me feel good and comfortable.  I hope they know when the put those medicines in my IV it makes me feel bad and yucky."  I knew they did, and even Airica knew why they did.  She was strong and brave, but she was up against some serious stuff.

As the mellow day came to an end, we got ready for bed.  I talked to Airica about tomorrow.  Tomorrow was her sister's last day of school and a half day.  I told Alyssa that I would pick her up from school.  Then I would take her home to pack, she would be leaving Saturday with her dad to Colorado.  He would take care of her for the summer so that Christopher and I could focus on Airica.  Airica and I were both heavy hearted about this, we would miss sissy.  But it was the best thing for all of us.  We held each other, we cried together, then she pulled my arm around her and we went to sleep.

The Fight for Water

June 3, 2009

Airica was doing great!  Watching movies, being funny, and even creating practical jokes.  The speech therapist was the one who would determine if Airica could drink water or not.  She would be given a few ice chips and they would see how well she could swallow and prevent it from falling into her lungs.  

Every time a nurse came in and asked Airica, "Is there anything else you need?"  she would say, "Yes...water!"  Airica was serious and the nurses wanted to just give her what she wanted, but they had to follow the orders of the speech therapist.

Today the speech therapist said Airica could drink water.  Just small amounts through a straw.  She was so happy.  She knew that she had to be very careful drinking.  She asked the speech therapist not to tell her nurse yet because she wanted to have a little fun.  She calls for her nurse, and put on her best sad, pouty face.  She then proceeds to tell he nurse that she needs and wants water so badly, and she is so sad and depressed because she is so thirsty.  The nurse gets a sad face and says,  "I'm so sorry Airica, I wish I could help you."  Then Airica can't keep a straight face anymore and giggles.  The nurse laughs so hard and we all cheer for the fact she can drink water now...slowly.

Another great day.  Lots of fun, laughs and a water win!  As everything settles down into evening, Airica wants to keep her New Moon shirt on.  Christopher promised to take her to see it in November. She was so excited.  She then looked at him and said, "Daddy, every time I look at your face I see New Moon!"  Then I asked her, "What do you see when you look at my face?"  Airica turned to me on her bed, placed her hands on my cheeks, looked me right in the eyes and said so gently, so seriously, "When I look at you Mommy, I see me."

Let's Eat

June 2, 2009

Today Airica had to prove that she could eat enough pureed food to meet her calorie needs, so that she could avoid a, I mean another, feeding tube.  So, as you can imagine from what you know about Airica, she was going to do it.  They brought her the tray of bland pureed food and a thick Ensure.  I began to slowly feed her a couple of bites.  It wasn't even fast enough for her.  She took the spoon from me and started feeding herself.  She had to be careful not to get anything, like we say, down the wrong pipe, because her lungs were still so fragile.  If she were to get food or water into her lungs they wouldn't be strong enough to get it out and it could cause infection.  Which reminds me, she couldn't have water because of this, but she wanted some so badly.  She had an IV of fluids, so she was hydrated she just wanted the drinking water refreshment.

When the PT came in today Airica showed her the hand finger progress that she had made.  She did those exercises constantly.  The PT was very impressed at her strength and motivation.  Then asked Airica if she thinks that she wanted to try to stand up and take a few steps.  Airica of course said yes.  The PT helped her but encouraged her to use as many muscles as she could to sit up.

Once Airica was up, the PT asked her if she felt alright to sit on her own. Airica nodded her head and the PT slowly let go and Airica was sitting there all by herself.  Then she was ready to stand.  She had stood before, we had a way to hold her so she was fully supported and wouldn't fall.  This time it was going to be a lot more of her.  The PT talked her through which muscles to engage and assisted her in standing up.  She was wobbly, and somewhat supported, but standing.  Now for some steps.  Airica was a little scared at first, but lifted her foot, then her leg, placed it out in front her, then followed with the other.  It was amazing.  I was crying, she was so proud.  

These movements were a lot for her after all that she had been through, and the PT expected only a couple of steps.  After those couple of steps I stood in front of her and we hugged.  A full, standing, embrace.  I held her so close, as tight as I could, then she whispered, "Now I gotta pee Mommy."  I squeezed the pee out of her.  Daddy went to get the wheel chair to take her to the bathroom, and she shook her head no.  She continued to take slow careful steps all the way to the bathroom, then all the way back to the bed.

We were all speechless.  The PT said that she had never seen someone come so far so fast.  The PT said that she was going to refer Airica to a special rehabilitation program that chemo patients usually don't qualify for because they are too weak, but not this girl.

After that workout she needed some calories, so we went and got her a 500 calories Chocolate Peanut Butter Moo'd smoothie from Jamba Juice.  She really enjoyed that smoothie.  It tasted a lot better than applesauce and pureed peas. 

Monday is Finally Here

June 1, 2009

Monday was the day that we had all been waiting for.  The physical therapist (PT) would be there soon to see if Airica could shower, find out if they had to reinsert the feeding tube, and now we found out out it was also a day called Cops for Kids.  

The PT came in pretty early, I think she knew how anxious Airica was to get up and about.  She would ask Airica to do different things to determine how much movement and muscle strength she had.  The determination was that Airica was doing far better than expected.  The PT said that getting up into a wheel chair and showering sitting down would be great.  The PT asked Airica is she had anymore questions.  Airica began to ask her how she could use her hands and fingers better to text and type.  The PT showed her some simple exercises that would help get her to her goal.

They decided not to reinsert the feeding tube.  They would allow her to try to eat pureed foods to start and see how that went.  Then they would determine if she was getting enough calories without the feeding tube.  I had a feeling that they just knew she was going to pull it out again if they put in another one!

Now to the shower.  Airica had a bathroom and shower in her room so the journey to the shower was a short one.  She was so excited to shower.  I have never seen anyone enjoy a shower as much as Airica did that day.  She sat on the bench in the shower and held the removable shower head over her body and closed her eyes and smiled.  I washed her hair for her, still trying to get the last of the blood out of her hair.  I think she could have stayed in there forever, but she had to get out so I could do her hair for the Cops for Kids, after all she might be in the news paper.

I brushed Airica's hair and made her two little braids.  Then I helped her stand near the sink to look at herself.  She loved to look at herself.  She then noticed the large scar on her neck.  I told her that was from the machine that kept her alive.  I promised her that I would read her the journal I kept of what happened later that night.  She then brushed her own teeth, while admiring herself in the mirror.

Cops for Kids was really cool.  They came to get Airica from her room to participate.  They knew of her miraculous recovery and also how excited she was to shower that day, and let her be first.  She got to go into a huge room of toys and stuffed animals that were donated by the cops and their families.  She was so excited, she felt like a star.  She picked a toy, and the biggest stuffed animal that was there (she wanted to feel like Miley Cyrus in the 7 Things I Hate About You video).  Then she got to pose with some cops and take pictures.  It was an awesome event. 

If all that excitement wasn't enough, her two best friends came to visit her soon after.  They had bought her a yearbook, took it around to all the students and teachers to sign, and brought to Airica.  It was so nice.  The three girls sat there and looked through the pages pointing out cute boys, gross boys, cool girls, and snotty girls.  Regular teen girl stuff.  Watching this made me feel like we were all normal again.

After the busy day full of events was over, we all get ready for bed.  I snuggled up to Airica and said my goodnights.  She reminded me that I promised to read her the journal that I kept.  So, I did.  I read her each page that I wrote from the day that she went to sleep until the day they took the breathing tube out.  She was amazed and shocked.  We laughed and cried together.  I told her how strong she was and how proud I was of her.  Then I wrapped my arms around her and we went to sleep.

Love is Blind

May 31, 2009

Airica was so happy to have all the tubes off of her face.  The doctors would determine on Monday whether or not they will have to put the feeding tube back in or let her start to try eating pureed food.  She was hoping for food.  Another thing she was begging for was a shower.  Again, she would have to wait for Monday to see a physical therapist who would determine how much physical activity she could do.  So, we had to wait.

Waiting wasn't too bad.  We had a lot of fun.  Airica was watching her Disney Channel, playing with her sister, napping, and being silly and funny all day long.  When evening came around we were all pretty tired from all of the playing and silliness.  Christopher and I would stay with her at the hospital, and her other Daddy would take Alyssa home so she could get ready for her last week of 5th grade.  We all wanted to stay and play, but we had to part.

As we all got ready to say our goodnights, Airica seemed as if she was trying to pull out another tube, but there was nothing there.  She looked kind of silly, like when people run into a spider web and are trying to get it off of themselves.  I laughed and asked her what she was doing.  She told me that she was trying to see out of her right eye and thought that it was covered with tape.

It wasn't covered in tape, Airica couldn't see out of her right eye.  We had to call the doctors and let them know right away.  Airica just said, "Aww man.  Why are you telling on me?  They are gonna make me go do stuff now."  Sure enough, they made her go do stuff.

They called in an on call eye doctor and sent her down for an emergency MRI.  They needed to figure out why she couldn't see, and if it was reversible or not.  After the running around, tests, and staying up too late they came to their conclusion.  The artery in her neck that they used to connect her to the heart bypass machine, was they artery that supplied blood to the optic nerve.  Once severed it was permanent,

We all headed back to the room.  We were all so grateful that Airica was here and alive, but this was still hard to accept. Although I was feeling that this was just another disappointing reality to add to the list, I had to pull myself together and be there for Airica.  

When we got to the room and got settled, Daddy and Alyssa headed home.  I got myself and Airica all ready for bed, as Christopher made up the chair for himself.  I kissed my beautiful girl on the forehead and looked her in the eyes.  I told her that I could see inside of her beautiful little soul through her beautiful big brown eyes, and that I would give her one of my eyes if that would make her be able to see with both eyes again.  She replied, "I love you Mommy, but I don't want anymore procedures.  Let's go night night so you can hold me."  So, that's what we did.

Daddy's Here and She's Moving Out

May 30, 2009

Big day today!  Again for many reasons.  First thing this morning the primary PICU doctor officially signed Airica out of the PICU and she got transferred to the pediatric floor.  This meant that she was now too well to stay in the PICU.  Soon after the transfer, Daddy got there.  Today, chemotherapy would begin.

It was so exciting getting checked out of the PICU.  All the doctors and nurses of the PICU would have to stay in the PICU.  They would miss Airica so much, but they were all very happy that she was headed out.  The doctors and nurses on the pediatric floor were very excited to be getting Airica.  Her amazing strength, courage, and huge lovable personality had given her a reputation they had all heard of.  

Then Daddy got back.  He had been there before but it was while Airica was sleeping so she didn't remember.  As soon as she was awake I had told her he had been  there and that he would be back soon.  She was so anxious for that moment to come...and it was here.  They just looked at each other for the longest time.  Smiling the most beautiful smiles of love.  The love was so luminous that all of us in the room could see it and feel it.  

Now came in the nurse who would administer the first round of chemotherapy.  It was pretty scary.  It didn't look scary, it looked like any of the other meds that Airica had been given through her IV.  It was scary because we knew what it was.  The nurse had to wear gloves and make sure that the very strong drug did not touch her skin.  I asked why.  She said because it was poison.  Poison that would kill all Airica's cells, bad ones, and good ones.  Then hopefully the bad ones would die and the good ones would come back good, healthy and strong.  Yeah, like I said, scary.

It was a long big day.  By the evening we were all exhausted.  Airica seemed to be doing well so far with the chemo drugs, and was pretty tired.  She asked me to sleep with her in her bed all night every night and hold her.  I agreed.  I was scared because she was so fragile and she had so many IV's and tubes.  In her raspy little voice, she told me she was okay and wanted me to hold her. I kissed her face, gave her a squeeze, and told her how proud I was of her.  It's quiet for a few moments.  Then I hear her call me, "Mommy".  I said, "Yes baby, Mommy is right here."  Then she lifts her arm to show me that once again she removed her feeding tube.

TGIF

May 29, 2009

Today was Friday.  A big day for all of us.  It started off with reinserting of the feeding tube.  Yup, she pulled it out again.  Then we had some meetings with the oncologist, because they needed to start her chemotherapy on Saturday.  What she was getting all dolled up for was that her other Daddy was coming back on Saturday and she wanted to look her best.

It was an Airica spa day.  She wanted a shower so badly, but wasn't allowed to until she got a physical therapist's okay to get up more than into a chair.  So I improvised the best that I could so she could feel clean and beautiful.  I, along with some assistance from the nurse, gave her the best wash cloth bath/massage that I could create.  Then, fresh lotion for smelling good, baby lotion her favorite.

The nurses knew this awesome trick to wash hair from a hospital bed, so we found the smellingest good shampoo that we could and washed her thick brown hair.  Then I was able to dry it with the blow dryer and curl it up so fancy for her.  She looked at herself in the mirror and loved it!  She was feeling better, doing better, and even looking better.

Even though it was a fun spa day, I still had to sit through the chemo plan.  We had been worrying about her lungs and survival this had been on the back burner for a while.  Unfortunately, it was still there to deal with.  She would be on all kinds of chemo drugs.  It would be one week of drugs throughout the day, and three weeks of rest and recovery.  This would be for six months.  She would lose  her hair, and she would lose the ability to have children of her own.  I was so happy that there was a treatment for her, yet my heart hurt because of the things that she would have to give up. 

We were not going to worry her with these details right now, and I was going to try to not worry about them either.  After all look at her, she just beat full respiratory failure, due to who knows what still, when she was given a 30% chance to survive one night on life support.  All those details aside, she was amazing and strong.  I was so happy and proud, and she was in such good spirits, and smiling.

Today is the Day

May 28, 2009

  

Today was the big day that the breathing tube would come out.  It felt far different from the last time.  There were lots of people there to witness another miracle.  Airica was ready too this time.  She knew today was the day that that yucky breathing tube would be removed.  She could hardly wait.  But she would have to.

Like I said there were a lot of people gathering to witness this highly anticipated event.  Lots of nurses, RT's, and doctors.  Even the doctor that had told me that had worked endless hours to get her on the heart bypass machine was there.  She would be the one who would do the honors of taking it out.  She was amazed by Airica's recovery so far, as were we all.  This was a wonderful day.

The whole procedure took only seconds.  It was out!  Airica coughed and they helped her clear her throat.  She was breathing on her own, and getting oxygen from our air.  It was a day to celebrate.  The first thing they did was so her upright so her lungs could finish healing on their own.  She was out of that hospital bed for the first time in a LONG time. 


I got to hug my baby girl.  I got to hold her in my arms.  She was so weak still but she wrapped her skinny little arms around me and said in her raspy, whispery, hoarse voice, "I love you momma."  I held her and cried tears of joy.  I had waited, for what seemed to be an eternity, to hear those words and feel that hug.  It was well worth the wait.


There was a lot of activity that day, lots of visitors, Aleena and her family came by which lit Airica's face up. She couldn't wait to show her BFF her new laptop. As the day passed and people came and went, I was still amazed and so full of joy.  Airica was pretty tired by the end of this beautiful day. Her eyes were heavy, her blinks were long, but that smile was shining.  I went to get her all settled, tuck her in, kiss her face, hug her tight, and I hear one more time before she nods off, "I love you momma." 

Are We Ready?

May 27, 2009

Today the breathing machine was lighting up, beeping, and just plain acting weird.  The nurses rush in and page the RT.  We are a little worried.  Airica is just lying there sleeping soundly.  What the heck is going on?  Is this going to be a downhill day for us?  Please no!  Not after all this progress, she needs to keep getting better not worse.

The RT comes in to examine her and make sure the machine is working properly.  They determined that Airica is breathing so well on her own she is actually fighting the machine.  So, the machine will release oxygen and she should inhale, then exhale.  She can now control her breath, so she can feel the moment she should inhale and won't (not can't, won't) then the machine alerts go off.

This was so crazy to hear.  She was definetely ready to be done with the machine.  When she woke up we talked to her about her breathing.  We explained that she should just breath with the machine and that it would be taken off soon.  She explained she wanted it off now, and she was okay with pulling it out herself.  Also, that she would control her inhales not that machine.  She also thought it was very funny that she could make the machine beep.  I did not think it was funny.

The doctors agreed that tomorrow would be the day that her breathing tube would be removed.  We were all so happy.  The doctors, nurses, and RT's were so happy too, and wanted to make sure they were there tomorrow to see it.  I was very happy, and this time if felt right.  But I still couldn't help but be a little nervous.  Ready or not, it was a plan. 

Airica was so excited.  She couldn't wait.  All day long she was pretending to pull the tube out herself.  She thought she was very funny.  I freaked out a little each time.  She also thought that was very funny.  I am glad that she was being so entertained by my worry.  One more night baby girl and you will be free of one more machine.

(This is the last journal page)

Who is your Hero?

May 26, 2009

(Airica's lungs when lung issue started and now)

The doctors are telling us how amazing Airica is doing and they feel that the breathing tube will be removed soon.  They could tell us all they want that she is doing amazing, but we can see it.  She is really here.  She is breathing, she is joking around, she is being adorable, and smiling all the while.  

Now it's time...remember the feeding tube?  Even though it is the last thing that any of us wanted to do, we had to take her down to reinsert her feeding tube.  We had to go down to radiology.  They had to x-ray her chest and use that x-ray as a guide to feed the tube from her nostril all the way down to her stomach.  It didn't sound like fun at all, and it wasn't!

Our RT had to be there to monitor the breathing tube and portable oxygen.  Our RT that day was the beautiful Micaela.  They made a first attempt to insert the tube and it failed.  It gagged her, made her eyes watery, and caused her to need a rest in between attempts.  She was wide awake for this procedure.  As we waited for the second attempt, Airica flashed smiles at the radiologists, nurses, Micaela, and Christopher and I.  It was as if she was telling us all that even though this was very uncomfortable to her, she knew that everyone was there to help her.

I looked at this smiling girl, I placed my hands over my heart, and I told her that I loved her so much, I was so proud of her, and that she was my hero.  As I said those words to her she sat up as much as she could, with what little energy she could muster, looked me in the eyes, lifted her arm pointing at me then at Christopher, and moved her lips to say, "No, you are MY heroes!"  This brought me to tears, as well as everyone in that room that day.

The second attempt was a success.  The feeding tube was in place, for now.  We journeyed back up to the room.  Airica slept restfully after this action packed day that she had.  I was still in awe of what had happened in that room that day.   

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. 

Lao Tzu

She's Back!

May 25, 2009

Today Airica was doing even better!  They did the routine daily chest x-ray and her lungs were close to normal.  The doctors said the remainder of healing would be from her breathing on her own, sitting more upright, and even standing.  Those steps were still to come, today we focused on breathing on her own and basic commands.  

When the doctors said basic commands I am pretty sure they meant us asking Airica to blink or lift her arms, but we got much more specific demands from Airica.  She wanted to see her presents, she wanted me to read her all her get well cards, and she wanted Hannah Montana 24/7.  She was snapping her fingers at us to get our attention, she was giving us thumbs up for what she wanted and thumbs down for what she didn't.  She was so silly, funny, and she was the one one dishing out the commands.

As you can see from the picture one of her gifts was a laptop computer.  She was so excited to have her own computer.  She wanted it set up in front of her so she could see it.  She looked at it and was so grateful for such a big gift.  She lifted her hands to the keyboard and she realized she had little control over her fingers.  She was sad and very confused.  She looked at me in disbelief, wanting an explanation.  I told her that she had been asleep for a long time, her fingers were out of practice, and it would take some time to get back to normal.

Airica didn't like that answer too much.  She had a laptop to play with and she needed to text ASAP!  She was back to her almost normal self.  Still, she couldn't talk but we could hear her loud and clear.  She insisted on trying to press the buttons on the keyboard.  She was so determined.  

 If you notice there is a small tube in her left nostril, that was her feeding tube.  It gave her the nutrition and vitamins that she needed while she was asleep and couldn't eat.  She noticed it and she disliked it just as much, or maybe a little more than the breathing tube.  She was very awake and could comprehend the things that we were saying to her and she would respond in her own way.  We told her we would loosen her arm straps so that she could move around and wake up her atrophied muscles but that it was very important that she not mess with the tubes.  She nodded in agreement.

 She totally tricked us.  As soon as no one was looking, she grabbed a hold of that feeding tube and pulled it out.  At first we didn't notice.  She was smiling so big and was so happy, then she lifted her hand to proudly show me that she had removed the tube.  I was freaking out!  Airica is crazy!  I know we already determined that...but seriously!  We had to tell the nurses who thought it was pretty funny.  Then they proceeded to tell her that it had to be put back in, but that it could wait until tomorrow.  

Airica won that round.  She was so happy to have shed another attachment, even if only for the night.  It was pretty late and Airica was was wide awake and full of energy.  I knew it was going to be a long night.  I was ready!