The Reason...Letting Go

April 30, 2009

(Me loving Airica)

Thank you all for sharing this journey with me though "this time of year".  I want to share why I am doing this.  There are a few reasons.  First of all I want everyone to know Airica.  The journal pages we shared introduced you to my 13 year old daughter so silly and full of life.  Her journey through the days leading up to today have shown you her spirit and her ability to smile through some really tough times that no one should have to ever go through.  The pages from now forward are going to introduce you to the amazing strength and perseverance that is still incredible to me.

Next, I am reading these journal pages and taking this journey for the first time since I lived it.  Many nights I can't sleep because my mind is racing and thoughts and visions from these terrible life altering times flash in my head.  I want them to STOP!  Or do I?  I have learned that sometimes we think we want the bad thoughts to stop but we really don't.  Sometimes the reason is that we feel that we are deserving of the pain.  Sometimes we feel that hurt, that pain is our connection to holding on to who or what we love.  I know now these are both true in my case.

Finally, I am sharing because going through something like this gives you a unique gift.  You have the experience to help others that fall upon the same or similar circumstances.  You have that something, that piece that is needed so much to give, the words...I understand what you are going through.  I have been there.  I know how you feel...because I have gone through this, I have been there, I feel it.

So, those are my reasons.  Oh yeah...one more.  You see once you realize that you are doing something to yourself that you should not be, the logical thing would be to stop.  So as I blog each day I tell my story.  I share my pictures, both good and tough.  Each day I write, I remember, somedays it's SO hard, and once I publish...I let go of the pain I was holding form that day and focus on the good.  Somedays it seems there's no good...but there always is.  If I learned anything from that beautiful soul Airica, it is that there is always good, always a reason to smile, always love.

(Resting her lungs prep for more tests)