Getting Better?  Well...Not Getting Worse

May 3, 2009

(Airica...a typical day at school)

Today was the first day that things did not get worse.  That to us was good news.  Maybe that was the worst of the worst and things will only get better from here.  Unfortunately, we are living moment by moment.  We now have such a realization of how precious and fragile life is, and how at any moment life as we know it could be completely a memory.

As we "live" in the hospital life as we knew it was gone.  Christopher and I were literally living in a tiny room the size of a closet.  I don't know how we got by looking back on it.  We were not eating properly, not sleeping much (just the times that we passed out from exhaustion 15-30 minutes at a time), and I was keeping myself going with what seemed to be an IV of coffee, as to not miss anything. 

There was nothing going on and so much going on at the same time.  Airica was in a drug induced coma, lying still in the same place all day long.  On the other hand, there were blood tests, lung tests being done and sent out to try to find out why her lungs failed, and chest x-rays that had to be done so gingerly as to not disturb the delicate life support connections that seemed to be everywhere. 

My oldest daughter was unconscious and there was nothing that I could do as a mother to help her, besides be there and love her.  My youngest daughter was being taken care of by my dad, and I felt guilty that I couldn't be there for her like she needed to be.  I couldn't even take care of myself at this point.  I felt so lost.  I had to be strong, I had to look at the strength that Airica had shown me in the past week and find my strength because it looked like I was going to need it for this long haul.

Going back to April 28, 2009 I would like to share what we call, "Confessions of a Teenage Rockstar"  the conversation went like this...

Airica:  Mommy I have a confession to make. (this was always common she could never keep secrets, they were too heavy on her conscience)

Me:  What now Googie?

Airica:  Well, you know how I always go to school early to Ms. Lynn's class to study?

Me:  Yes (I am getting a little nervous)

Airica:  Well, I know it's dangerous and I know you told me never to do this but...

Me:  It's okay, you can tell me (OMG OMG OMG)

Airica:  When you and Daddy were in Huntington Beach and I stayed with Aleena...we went to school early and umm...went to Ms. Lynn's class and...

Me:  And?

Airica:  We made a video on her Macbook and put in on YouTube.  I'm so sorry Mommy, I know you said it was bad and...

Me:  (hugging her so tightly)  It's okay baby no worries.

Daddy:  Let's see it!

Here THEY are.  It was not A video, it was videos.  I'm so glad we have these and these were made just a couple of weeks before we went into the hospital.