Things Come in Their Own Time...Not Ours

May 17, 2009

That statement is SO true, whether we like it or not.  Whether it was part of our plan or not.  Why does it always feel like the more we want something the further away it gets? I think it has something to do with focusing on the "wanting" and not the issue, situation, or current state of the present moment.

Airica had been doing so well.  She had been healing faster than anticipated, and machines were were coming off earlier than planned.  Why would we not expect this trend to continue.  Her lungs were working on their own when they lowered the settings and it seemed as if she would be ready to breathe completely on her own very soon.

We were so exited to hear this news and couldn't wait to take the breathing tube out!  Then she would be one more huge step towards her normal self.  I would be able to hear her voice again.  Which I longed for and wanted so badly.  She would be able to flash her beautiful smile at the nurses, and make jokes with the doctors.  Something that they had been missing as well.

After lots of discussion and faith in Airica's strength they decided today would be the day.  She wasn't quite as active today but we all thought she was ready, and wanted her to be ready so much.  We all stood around her room as the doctors prepared to remove the tube.  I was scared, that scary feeling I felt when they took off the canullas, praying that everything would go smoothly.

The tube was out.  It didn't seem as wonderful as our other triumphs, and I didn't like that feeling.  I expected Airica to have the tube removed, clear her throat, and say, "I love you Mommy!" that wasn't what was happening.  

I know that is a little much to "want" or expect, but look how great she had been doing.  As they were making sure that she was doing okay they realized that she was very drowsy.  She was still on some sedation meds and that may have been a contributing factor.  She wasn't responding to commands like open your eyes, or cough.  She had some sores on the inside of her mouth from the tube being in one place for so long.  Upon removing the tube they began to bleed and went into her empty tummy...and of course making her nauseous.

The doctors felt that these things could be dangerous, because her lungs were so fragile, and when she threw up, liquid would fall back into her lungs.  They had to intubate her the same day they removed it.  This was a very difficult day for all of us that were involved.

I was so heartbroken that today wasn't the day.  I was so scared because the procedure didn't go as planned.  I was also grateful that she was back on the breathing machine and settled down versus the craziness of the day.  

It wasn't time.  She was still doing well, still healing, still fighting.  She was doing all she could.  I needed to do what I could, be patient, love her, and remember that things come in their own time...not mine.